What kind of bag carrier are you?

Last night WHSmiths in Westminster station was stocked with its usual array of informative current affairs magazines such as it feels appropriate to sell to its clientele. Unfortunately, a hard day at the coalface of casework doesn't usually get me in the mood for "Jennifer Ellison's Hot Fantasies" so I embarked upon the northbound tube without reading material. Fortunately I was able to peruse a magazine left behind by a kindly lady, a tome of the "women's" variety; that is, almost identical to the one I eschewed at Smiths, except the leading article was "How to Be Hot Like Jennifer Ellison So That Men Want To See You Naked On The Front Of Porn Magazines". Ah, progress. Altogether now, hurrah for feminism!

One of the articles was a quiz of the "which sleb are you most similar to?", but given that I'd not heard of any of them (the Beatles? Who they?) it was a bit of a waste of time but it did inspire today's post for all beleugered bag-carriers: WHAT KIND OF BAG CARRIER ARE YOU?

The Norman Shaw Revolutionary
Uniform: Ripped jeans, unbrushed hair, and a T-shirt with a witty anti-American slogan on it.
Outlook: Whilst all of us can be accused of harbouring questions about some Government policy, you have never been shy of directly linking all that is ill in the world with Tony Blair. For example, a request by a constituent for your boss to intercede in an ASBO request for their next door neighbour will evoke a tirade of abuse from you, probably involving accusing them of colluding in Blair's evil plan to bring Nineteen Eighty Four to the streets of our fair Isle. You will sneer at passing Ministers. Afterall, they stood idly by at best and colluded at worst in the construction of this police state, when they should have been doing something more useful like nationalising the coal industry or knighting Arthur Scargill. Not that you believe in knighthoods because they are the perks of the moneyed classes.
Fantasy boss: Bob Marshall-Andrews MP
Preferred Deputy Leader: John Cruddas (although if John McDonnell stands you'd vote for him)
Most likely to say: "It would have all been different under John Smith"
Least likely to say: "I say, Blair really made some excellent points in favour of Foundation Hospitals and top-up fees didn't he?"
Your celebrity alter-ego: John Pilger.

The Portcullis Aspirant
Uniform: Black suit, red tie, white shirt with golden cufflinks. You will use hair gel. For the females see I Could Have Been A Model You know.
Outlook: Pragmatically speaking, this Government is all about pragmatism. That is, what works. You want to be quite clear on this point that, in consultation with a variety of stakeholders and interest groups, it is key that we all sing from the same song sheet. As I said to Tony...
Fantasy boss: The Tonester. Who else?
Preferred Deputy Leader: Peter Hain MP
Most likely to say: "Proletariat? No thanks, I don't like strong cheese. I'll have some of the brie."
Least likely to say: "I have some qualified criticism of aspects of this policy".
Your celebrity alter ego: Matthew McFaddyen's character from The Project. Until he starts criticising the Labour Party, natch.

I Could Have Been A Model You Know
Uniform: The latest designer fashions, whatever Sienna's wearing this season, and impeccable make up.
Outlook: You wanted to go into politics to help all those poor people you used to watch on the telly. It's not nice to be poor you know. This is a view that occasionally surfaces over lattes at the Dispatch Box, in between heated conversations as to whether Gucci is the new Burberry with your similarly beautifully turned out mates. You will probably write ur emails n txt spk.
Fantasy boss: Ed Miliband MP. He's cute, and clever is like sooooooo sexy.
Preferred Deputy Leader: Eh? There's an election on?
Most likely to say: "Those shoes? With that skirt? What a fashion crime."
Least likely to say: "Did you hear that the Government has introduced new measures to allow greater pre-legislative powers for Standing Committes? Let's go down to the Library and find out more!"
Your celebrity alter ego: Any of the blonde ones from the cast of Hollyoaks.

The Bar Fly
Uniform: A slightly dishevilled suit, a tie with soup stains on it, a packet of Marlboro Lights and the slightly blood-shot eyes of one suffering from a steaming hangover.
Outlook: Relatively hard working, often with an easy commitment to the Labour Party, you will prefer to spend your spare time in either the Sports and Social or the Lords rather than forming secret societies of the faithful, unlike your Portcullis Aspirant conterpart. You will have been here years but are unable to see what the future holds for you beyond the Estate and are unwilling to embrace the inevitable career in political consultancy. Nope, whilst the beer is cheap, you're quite happy where you are thank you very much. You will irritate your more ambitious significant other by your approach to art of bag-carrying.
Fantasy boss: Steve Pound MP
Preferred Deputy Leader: Hilary Benn MP.
Most likely to say: "Your round, mate."
Least likely to say: "More casework, Boss? Crack it this way, I love drafting letters on contentious issues."
Celebrity alter ego: Homer Simpson

The Frustrated Feminist
Uniform: Baggy patchwork jeans or a long skirt, and a permanently pained expression.
Outlook: In any rational universe, being in possession of boobs shouldn't mean that you are incapable of serving any purpose in meetings other than making the tea...but then since when were the Houses of Parliament in a rational universe? Disregarded by the Aspirants because you are neither Model-esque nor male, and unwilling to join forces with Comrade Norman Shaw Revolutionary, you are a bit of a lone warrior, looking desperately to have an intelligent discussion about the minutae of political life. Your natural ally is the Bar Fly, but you can't help but feel that there is more to working in politics than playing "Who'd You Rather - Cabinet Members Edition" whilst drunk in the Sports and Social.
Fantasy boss: Patricia Hewitt MP
Preferred Deputy Leader: Harriet Harman MP
Most likely to say: "I think the drafting of legislation is far too rushed. I mean look at what happened to the Legislative and Regulatory Reform Bill; it had practically got to Committee before anybody noticed it was essentially going to abolish Parliament by statutory instrument."
Least likely to say: "Ooh are those Manolo Blahniks?"
Celebrity alter ego: Mattie Storin from House of Cards.

The Surrogate Mother
Uniform: Variable, but a strained expression is a constant.
Outlook: You didn't anticipate when you got into bag-carrying that you would not only be expected to do all the usual work consequent on belonging to our noble profession as well as ensuring that your boss had managed to dress himself successfully. Your principle tasks are making sure he's done his shirt up properly before he goes off to PMQs, has brushed his hair, has got a print-off of his diary (he will have absent mindedly tossed three in the bin before he makes it out of the door) and has his flies done up.
Fantasy boss: Anyone who can use a zipper and a comb.
Preferred Deputy Prime Minister: Hazel Blears MP (always nicely turned out)
Most likely to say: "You've forgotten your tie and your shoes don't match!"
Least likely to say: "Yes, I can nip out for lunch. I am entirely confident that my Boss won't phone in a panic because he's dropped his pager down the loo again."
Celebrity alter ego: Mrs Pike from Dad's Army.

So, which are you?