BBF EXCLUSIVE!

Unearthed: Lords Hansard from 1607

The extremely rare extract from what is believed to be the first recorded debate in the Lords Chamber has been uncovered and is replicated here for our faithful readers. The noble Lords are debating homosexuality and rape.

Makes you glad you live in 2006 when you read their opinions, doesn’t it?

Equality Act (Sexual Orientation) Regulations (Northern Ireland) 1606

Lord Harrumphalot rose to move that an humble Address be presented to Her Majesty praying that the regulations laid before the House on 24 November be annulled.

The noble Lord said: My Lords, the sexual orientation regulations which came into force on 1 January allow persons of a sinful disposition to purchase such items as cough mixture and ginger nuts without fear of being harassed for their immoral lifestyle. The group I am referring to, of course is: the gays.

All: Shame!

Lord Snortington-Bowles: My noble Lords, I feel that the sword of Damocles hangs over us in this Chamber: yesterday the gays were fighting for equal treatment under the law, today they are asking, nay! demanding that they be allowed to go about their business without having to suffer the sinfulness of their debauched lifestyle being pointed out to them by kindly Christians concerned about their soul, and tomorrow? Why, we will be watching our grandchildren learning to read – not wholesome japes as depicted by Will Shakespeare – but instead through the pages of “politically correct” books such as “Why It Is Fun To Kiss Other Boys” and the like. Refusal on the part of the parents to succumb to this inevitable promotion of homosexuality in their young boys will lead to incarceration in the dripping cells of Wormwood Scrubs, only a chamberpot and a large, muscular gay inmate for company, his rippling torso and lascivious eye brooking no argument, his firm hands – oh!

[Interruption]

Lady Ponsonby: He’s fainted! Nurse! The smelling salts!

[Interruption]

Lord Brahay: My Lords, if I may make a point. These regulations make those of us with religious convictions have to choose between the state and our God. For is it not written that the gaymos should be stricken from the sight of the Lord?

All: Yea!

Lord Snortington-Bowles: Should a honest, upright proprietor of a Christian guesthouse allow two gays to share a room when there is every chance that they might sate their evil lust on his premises? Is he not obliged to refuse them entry to his establishment, as will St Peter at the gates of Heaven if they do not cast away their sin and denounce their unnatural desires?

All: Yea!

Lady Ponsonby: Is it not our prerogative, my noble Lords, to bore on for hours about principles such as equality, freedom of expression, et cetera when trying to give the Government a bloody nose on their key legislation, but deny it to those of whom our minority religion disapproves?

All: Yea!

Lord Snortington-Bowles: Amen, and so be it.

Crime: Rape

Lord Pesky-Fillies: asked Her Majesty’s Government

Whether he will name the woman who falsely accused a man of rape even though this is a very rare occurrence, thus removing the protection of anonymity for women who have been sexually assaulted, ensuring that their vulnerability is further enhanced to the benefit of the accused who already has a 96% chance of walking off scot-free because most judges and the jury are privately of the view that most women must be asking for it anyway and allow the general public to rest assured that our legal system works perfectly with regard to the rights of 51% of the population, it’s just that women lie about rape.

Lady Ponsonby: Hurrah for feminism!