Hollyoaks In The City (you know the drill)
Hamer Shawcross: watching the shit, so you don’t have to

It’s about to start and excitement is high. Party Animals is the drama that bag-carriers of all political hues have been waiting for, the one that is to finally tell the Great British Public (TM) exactly what we get up to in our spare time! This will, doubtless, do wonders for the current T&G campaign for automatic uprating of our pay.

Character nicknames are available here. Just in case you get lost in the – er – complex plot. For those of you who have accidentally wandered onto this site for the first time – don’t worry too much if you’re not into politics. Politics doesn’t trouble the main thrust of this programme much.

9pm: And we’re off! An unmemorable title sequence that’s owes a little too much to Phoenix Nights for me to take this entirely seriously. Nevertheless, we are plunged immediately into the drama: Matt (Skeletor), the faithful bag-carrier to Labour Minister Jo Porter MP (Cruella) is watching his boss announce a new policy on ASBOs. From the backbenches. One would have thought that the “extensive research” apparently undertaken by the writers might have extended to a cursory glace at BBC Parliament, but never mind that now. Skeletor is reciting the speech along with her (sad bastard): “we luv ASBOs! Thems be good!” he roars. Rousing stuff.

Cruella is reaching her crux of the policy which seems to be that giving a fist full of tenners to ASBO dodging yoofs who behave themselves is a Good Thing. She sits down triumphantly as James Northcote MP (Fat Tony) gets up. There is silence in the Chamber. “Bit shit, innit?” asks Fat Tony, and Chamber is in uproar! Why, how could he have such a witty riposte lined up? How would he know how to administer such a cutting barb? Is the man a modern day Disraeli or is something more sinister at work? Skeletor: “ruh roh!”

9.03pm: Cruella has booted the intern (Jojo) out of the office and demands an explanation. Fat Tony was leaked the speech, she accuses him. Skeletor doesn’t say: “well, if you’re going to be thrown by the presentation of a couple of statistics that any bag-carrier with an above shoe-size IQ could have gleaned via the Library in three minutes flat and couldn’t respond to the (obvious) allegation that this policy is simply bribery, then I suggest you tender your resignation because you’re crap.” Instead, we go back a week to See Where It All Started.

9.06pm: Skeletor and Jojo are in St Stephen’s Tavern a week ago (suckers – do you KNOW what they charge in there? The producers could have chosen any Wetherspoons in SW1 and pretended it was the Lords Bar) discussing the speech. A years work apparently. In which case Cruella should be firing them for being shit: that speech was ten minutes cribbing from a PLP brief at best. Enter Skeletor’s elder brother Scott (Austin Powers) who checks out Jojo (“yeah baby!”) as Skeletor goes to take a leak.

9.07pm: Skeletor is relieving himself as Julian (assistant to Fat Tony) walks in and stands next to him a clear breach of Urinal Etiquette. Julian: “ooooh, Skeletor. How bona to vada your dolly old eek!” and leers at his man-bits. Do you think the writers are trying to subtly hint something about his sexuality? Do you? Anyway, Skeletor legs it but [gasp] what is this Julian espies, lying nestled between the patches of widdle and the urinal cakes? It’s the sum of Skeletor’s impressive research: a sheet of A4 that says “we heart ASBOs” in green crayon. He shows it to Ashika (Posh Spice) who strides out of the pub shouting down her phone “Fat Tony! We have a Top Secret policy document! Get your sexy butt back to the office NOW!”

9.10am: Cruella: not impressed at this tale. Skeletor: sad.

The politics bit is more or less over now – ahoy with the shagging!

9.12pm: Austin Powers and his housemate/colleague are in a meeting over an account at a Top Lobbying Firm. Apparently, they have to woo Tories. Austin goes to see Barbie Cholmondley-Warner (a journalist) and says, “baby, I need your sexy contacts with the Dark Side”. Barbie: “pip pip! I’m posh and blonde you know! Rah rah, jolly hockey sticks! Give me a good rodgering, and I’ll get you a meeting with Fat Tony”. Austin: “yeah baby!” Austin then goes off and does The Drugs with colleague and housemate (Jason Orange).

9.16pm: Skeletor logs on to “Village Vermin” (piss poor viral) and posts the message “Julian and Fat Tony are doing the Gay Sex” as revenge for nicking his crayonings from the bogs. Hmmm. I think the writers might have misunderstood how political blogs work. Skeletor: muhahahaha! Hamer: you’ve obviously never been involved in real politics if you think that’s underhand, my friend.

9.18pm: BAZOOMBAS AHOY! Norkage at minute 18, is this a record? Fat Tony and Posh Spice are having an affair (well, all bag carriers shag their bosses don’t they?) and are all post-coital. Given that this is Auntie, however, Posh Spice is in a huge pair of granny pants.

9.20pm: Cruella asks Jojo to do a book report for her (what is she, a Minister or the last outpost of Amazon on the Parliamentary estate? She seems to spend a lot of time pissing around her Westminster office when she's meant to have a Departmental brief to run) because she’s sulking with Skeletor. Skeletor: sad. Jojo: muhahahaha! Soon, your job will be mine. Two words Skeltor: Kevin Flack. Our T&G representative is a legend.

9.22pm: An elderly male journalist (NotBarbie) tells Fat Tony about Skeletor’s “blogging” accusation. Fat Tony says “but it’s not true! I’m giving my hot Fat Tony lovin’ to my bag-carrier”. NotBarbie tells him to spend some time in the real world. Audience suggests that the writers spend some time in the political world. Fat Tony tells Posh Spice that he can’t play with her bazoombas this weekend because he’s spending time with the missus. Posh Spice: sad.

9.27pm: Fat Tony can’t make his lunch with Austin Powers (arranged via Barbie in return for a session with Austin) because he’s having phone sex with his wife or something so Posh Spice goes instead. Austin: “yeah baby!” Posh Spice tells him that she’s a Tory because she’s An Independent Woman Who Knows Her Own Mind (copyright Nikki, 23 from Stoke) and is rude to the waiting staff. Austin likes the cut of her jib.

9.31: Skeletor has a cunning plan to make Cruella love him again: he’ll get her in the papers because that’ll cheer her up. At last! Some accuracy. Skeletor roars “by the power of Greyskull!” and legs it off to interview an ASBO yoof who is training to be a social worker who embodies the fact that the policy is working. ASBOyoof: “yeah man, innit. I’m a stereotypical black guy dawg; the writers rarely mix with the working classes but watch MTV: all the yoof speak like that innit?” We take this to mean that he agrees to the photoshoot.

9.35pm: Austin Powers and Jason Orange are out doing The Drugs with corporate clients but Austin has to leave early to give Barbie her promised seeing-to. Barbie: “rah rah! I’m blonde and posh you know!” No nakedness.

9.37pm: Austin gets promoted as Chief Lobbyist at Top Lobbying Firm over Jason. Jason goes home and drowns his sorrows with tequila whilst singing along to “Tubthumping”.

Here comes a politics bit: concentrate!

9.40pm: Skeletor storms into the chief whip’s office and roars “Cruella is a damn fine minister! It’s my fault she was ripped apart because I left my crayoned picture of ASBO yoofs in a pub! I’m resigning!” Chief whip gets this look on his face that says “this boy has moxy” and goes off to see Cruella. For some mysterious reason that is not fully explored, suddenly Everything Is Okay again and Cruella apologises to Skeletor and asks him to stay. Skeletor: happy. Whew!

Politics bit over, back to the personal relationships.

9.44pm: The remainder needn’t detain us long. Posh Spice and Austin are having a drink outside a pub that’s off Chancery Lane by the look of it when Jason turns up, well lubricated. Jason: “yousch my bescht mate you are…I HATE YOU! That promotion was mine!” and then runs into the road into the path of an oncoming car. He Got Knocked Down, But He Did Not Get Up Again.

9.47pm: This part is pretty well acted actually. Jason has passed away and Austin asks Posh Spice to phone Skeletor because he needs his family around him. Skeletor is still at work – sad bastard, doesn’t he know that the Lords serves until 8pm on Fridays now? – but rushes over to comfort him. Note to writers: do not kill off a character in the first episode who we’ve only met twice and expect us to care.

9.50pm: Credits.

It was well acted (apart from a few exceptions) but it was hardly about politics was it? And, I don’t want to be too much of a nerd here but honestly, Ministers speaking from the backbenches? Any A Level politics student would have recognised that as balls.

And here’s the REAL dilemma: do I watch Party Animals or Dr Gillian “Poo Sniffer” McKeith next week? On the whole, I think I prefer real turds to metaphorical ones.

Scenes of the gratuitous administration of colonic irrigation here I come!