The very model of a modern political drama
House of Cards in the post-Guido Fawkes era
SCENE: A darkened office in the House of Commons. Chief Whip Francis Urquhart sits, staring
at a picture of a fallen Prime Minister whilst contemplatively swirling a whiskey around a cut glass tumbler.
URQUHART: [Turning to look at the camera] Nothing lasts forever ... even the longest, most glittering reign must come to an end some day.
There is a commotion outside the office. Urquhart looks towards the door which is burst open. The lights come on, bathing the entire room in Civil Service issue florescent light. The mood is totally ruined.
URQUHART: [To the large man in who is now standing framed in the doorway] Who ruins my soliloquy?
GUIDO FAWKES: [For it is he] I am Guido Fawkes! Defender of The People (TM)! Amuser of middle managers in Basingstoke who use my comments section to vent their spleen! The only official opposition! Fear me and my mighty blog, and cower before us, politician!
URQUHART: If you are going to ruin my solitude with that drivel, you could have at least given it to me in iambic pentameter. [Sighing] Well, what can I do for you, my entertainingly high-voiced friend?
GUIDO FAWKES: Francis Urquhart, I have heard that you are planning to plot in a leadership election...
URQUHART: Yes?
GUIDO FAWKES: [in the manner of a chess champion saying "checkmate"] ... in Government time!
There is a pause whilst Guido wipes his sweaty brow with a hankerchief. Urquhart raises an eyebrow.
URQUHART: You are accusing me, perhaps, of playing politics?
GUIDO FAWKES: Yes. That's right. You confess? You have been involved in politics?
URQUHART: Young man, it may have escaped your attention, but I am a politician. As our name indicates, we occasionally involve ourselves in political matters.
GUIDO FAWKES: [Smugly] A politician? Confessing he's involved in politics! Ha! This'll be one in the eye for Nick Robinson and the dead-tree press when I break this story! Oh how quickly you feeble politicians beg, BEG ME, for mercy. I shall write up in my next post how you fell at my feet, cowering before the mightiness of my blog and admitting that I am the finest, most sexually potent, most gorgeous blogger the bloggersphere has ever known. COWER BEFORE MY BLOG, POLITICIAN!...BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
URQUHART: [Raises an eyebrow] You're going to make all that up?
GUIDO FAWKES: Yeah well. My readership will believe any old rubbish that I throw at them. As long as they get a couple of opportunities a day to accuse someone of being a homosexual, they're like pigs in muck.
URQUHART: An oddly apt analogy, Mr Fawkes, although you could have perhaps worked in an allusion to Richard III. Now, I understand you are accusing my special advisor of being involved in this evil politics which you hate so much?
GUIDO FAWKES: Yes, your SpAd is working on a leadership campaign in taxpayer's time. It's against the rules and not legitimate activity for a special advisor. No ifs, no buts, it isn't. Have you read the Special Advisors' Code of Conduct?
URQUHART: Yes. I am also familiar with Part 22, subsection three which reads: "if, with the approval of their Minister, they wish to assist with other party political matters such as a leadership campaign, they may do so while on paid or unpaid leave or at times which do not interfere with their normal duties, for example, out of office hours." Given that I set young Master SpAd's hours, I allow him the odd hour or two to work on my campaign. It's in line with the rules and totally above board. [Laughing contemptuously] No wonder the mainstream media don't want you as a journalist - even Richard Littlejohn has been know to do more research than you have on your "Shop A Spad" campaign. Nevermind, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
GUIDO FAWKES: Why? WHY?!
URQUHART: [Simply] Because neither you nor your blog is that important really. [Rising] Now do you mind? I have a young girl I want to have sex with in a debauched and disturbing manner.
There is a pause.
GUIDO FAWKES: Are you gay or something?
18 comments:
"I am Guido Fawkes! Defender of The People (TM)! Amuser of middle managers in Basingstoke who use my comments section to vent their spleen!"
Who on earth do you think reads your blog then?
Have you ever posted on here with a username that is a slightly slanderous contention, berated several Ministers for being "gay" and then signed off having made some vaguely threatening comments about raping and then machine gunning female ex-MPs?
I have to say, I've never seen any of that on the BBF...you lot are far more civilised.
Well not all middle managers in Basingstoke who post on blogs are like that are they!
I went to Basingstoke once. I'd be f****d off if i lived there.
IMHO, Guido's blog has broken out of the westminster village to a certain extent. The problem is that it's read by the sort of people who write to their MPs complaining about dental charges or whatever, get a reply from a minister and then write back complaining that all they have received is 'the government line'.
They don't even know who Bernard Ingham is for god's sake.
Hey! Basingstoke's not all that bad!!! But then i would say that wouldnt I?!! ;)
A good pick me up before I wade into the massive pile of surgery cases from the weekend. Most amusing Hamer.
Bloody hell - what's the Basingstoke obsession?
Basingstoke is a fabby place; regular posters on Guido's site - from Basingstoke or beyond - are not.
It was merely chosen because the phrase tripped off the tongue so to speak.
Genius. I laughed til I snorted tea out of my nose.
I have never been to Basingstoke.
I worked in Luton once.
Now there is a crap town.
I would love to see the leave sheets then to see how much has officially been taken.
You can't seriously argue that SpAds should be allowed to do party political work on taxpayer (i.e. politically neutral) time.
We are bag carriers
You could always go and do something else with your life if you hate it so much!
Amuser of middle managers in Basingstoke who use my comments section to vent their spleen!"
The problem is that it's read by the sort of people who write to their MPs complaining about dental charges or whatever, get a reply from a minister and then write back complaining that all they have received is 'the government line'.
They don't even know who Bernard Ingham is for god's sake.
Yes, the common man is annoying, isn't he? It's a shame they extended the franchise really, still there you go.
Nu Labour ~ full of arrogant little shits.
Who said I hated it? I love it!
Taxpayer: if you look at the link to the Special Advisors’ Code of Conduct, it makes very clear that SpAds are political actors. For example:
“They are exempt from the general requirement that civil servants should be appointed on merit and behave with political impartiality and objectivity so that they may retain the confidence of future governments of a different political complexion.”
They are not required to be neutral; the Code actually states that their job is to be politically committed and politically aware”.
I genuinely do not see the problem with them assisting their minister in campaigning, and neither does the Code: “if, with the approval of their Minister, they wish to assist with other party political matters such as a leadership campaign, they may do so while on paid or unpaid leave or at times which do not interfere with their normal duties, for example, out of office hours.”
Is it a genuine concern about “taxpayers’ money” that bothers you, or a more general desire to smear the Ministerial candidates for the DPM I wonder? How much do you reckon is "wasted" in their activities?
About as much as you posting comments on Guido in work time costs your company, at a guess.
Just for the record, are you based in Basingstoke? My readers want to know.
Who wants to say it first?
Oh go on then...
I SEE THE TORY TROLLS ARE OUT IN FORCE TODAY [insert various swearwords and comments about poster's mother]!!!!!
I genuinely do not see the problem with them assisting their minister in campaigning
Isn't the Labour party Deputy Leadership or Leadership campaign supposed to be open to all Labour MPs, equally, not just those who happen to be Ministers ?
Why should Ministerial candidates be subsidised at tax payer's expense through the use of SpAds and civil service office resources, which are not available to ordinary backbench MPs, in a purely internal party political election campaign ?
The bit about "unpaid leave" etc. for SpAds, allowing them to campaign for their Ministers' is a convenient fiction. How long would SpAds keep their jobs, if they refused to campaign for the personal political ambitions of their Ministerial bosses, instead of working on the political aspects of policies etc. directly related to the Department in which they sit , i.e. their normal day to day jobs ?
Christ on a bike - I've never been so popular. Last time I had this number of hits I posted a picture of the Pussycat Dolls.
Look, all I was trying to get over is that in politics, politicians should be allowed to do politics. And this deputy leadership election isn't the same as SpAds working in office hours to determine who in Hammersmith CLP goes to Conferece; who the DPM is actually does have an effect on the wider political picture. Guido himself concedes that with his attacks on Prezza during Stetsongate.
In addition to this, what about all that lovely lovely Short money that the Tories get? I don't suppose any of that is deployed in the employment of individuals who might just be putting over a party political viewpoint? Or is it okay then, just not when the comrades do it?
Where Guido and I probably differ (apart from the fact I don't believe in libertarian anarchy) is that I don't have a problem with money being spent putting over political views. I think it's necessary and important in a democracy and I also think that calling politicians "corrupt" on the basis that they do politics is an unfair smear which merely adds to public distrust of the political process.
A political process that, Guido has said, he fundamentally disagrees with and thinks people should disengage from. The furthering of this agenda rather than saving taxpayers' money is what his agenda is, and good luck to him if that's what he believes.
I hold a different view, however, which I am entitled to and don't think I should be subjected to scores of abusive postings (which I haven't published) just because I have the temerity to hold it.
I must admit that this kind of anonymous posting whilst unpleasant to be on the receiving end of I am sure, is hugely entertaining to read. Accusing the Labour Party of 'disliking' the common man is one of the most fatuous fallacies I have ever read. What exactly did the Labour Party promote circa 1900 onwards.....could it be....the representation of the newly enfranchised working class's. I suppose what I am saying is, no universal suffrage, no Labour Party. Thanks, one of the most hilarious things I have read today.
Good stuff Hamer, I have never seen House of Cards, too young, but I have been told it was fantastic program and you appear to have engendered the spirit of it again.
Swindon is by far the worst place in Britain. I would be prepared to stand for parliament there on a manifesto promising to rip down as much as I could in 4-5 years/
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