Any Questions, Hamer? Yeah, one or two since you ask. But this is a family site.
Insanity on Radio 4. What is the world coming to, I asks ye?

Dimbers: Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys and welcome to Any Questions. On the panel today are Mad Nad Dorries MP, Peter "I'm A Parliamentary Candidate For The Green Party You Know" Tatchell, Charles Moore, and Who's Yer Daddy Benn. First question please.

Bloke: Was human behaviour responsible for the recent flooding?

Tatchell: I don't think it's a coincidence that this happened under a Labour Government, do you? They are EEEEEVIL. Afterall, I remember hotter summers and colder winters when I was a kid, and they've not been the same recently. You know what, it's because it is all Brown's fault. FACT. Well, because I said so. God, I'm cool and (did you know?) a parliamentary candidate. Vote for me! Yeah!

Moore: And the Lord said unto Noah...300 cubits...two of every animal...not John Major though. He stays.

Dimbers: Thank you Charles Moore. Mad Nad?

Mad Nad: Well, why are we building new homes on flood plains for heaven's sake? Putting up nasty little houses - possibly near mine - all across England's green and pleasant land and they'll only put the immigrants in 'em. Give the inner city a makeover and put them in there, for heaven's sake! How? Oh, I don't know. Does it matter?

Tatchell: I hate Trident and road building and intervention in Iraq. Relevance to the price of fish? Well, did I mention I was a parliamentary candidate? Vote for me! Yeah!

Madam: Should Cameron have cut himself in half?

[for one glorious moment I thought she was speaking literally, and Shawcross Towers was almost rent usunder by my yell of "HELL YEAH!". But it became clear she was talking about Cameron's decision to bugger off and get a tan instead of staying in Blighty to help with the floods]

Mad Nad: God, no! David Cameron was out in his wellies in Oxfordshire before Gordon Brown had even looked out of the window and realised that it was raining...

[cheers and whooping! Lord, she's right! Gordo had no idea about the floods. None at all! Thank heavens for that nice David Cameron and his shiny face and his wellies and his gorgeous photo shoots containing all of the above whilst Gordon was SELFISHLY holed up in meetings attempting to co-ordinate the recovery attempt.]

Mad Nad: ...so he was absolutely right to go to Rwanda, even though their parliament was in recess so the only conceivable reason for his visit was to get his shiny face and his wellies and his gorgeous photo shoots containing all of the above on the news. Imagine what his presence could do for Rwanda in light of what it achieved for Oxfordshire!

Peter Tatchell: I am a parliamentary candidate so I am not going to make a cheap political point [pauses to polish his halo]...er, where was I? I don't know. Who cares? Vote for me!

Dimbers: Time for a straw poll as to whether Cameron got it right or wrong on his Rwanda visit. Ah! I see you all support his decision.

Peter Tatchell: [greasily] I think that shows the generosity and the humanism of the people of Oxfordshire. Well done.

As a nation rushes to the bogs to vomit, I decide to scavenge for the first beer of the evening (I have it on the listen-again setting). I will spare you Tatchell's teenage posturing over his cannabis smoking - horrific in a "your Dad getting down wid da kidz" way - because I feel that as many innocent readers of this blog as possible should be spared the pain.

Needless to say that Satan will be going to work in a snow plough before I turn on this week's Any Answers. The horror concluded with Dimbers asking the panellists what each would save in the event of their house being flooded. Mad Nad went for the kids, I can't remember what Charles Moore wanted, and Benn decided to save the valuables upstairs (proving himself a true heir to the proud traditions of materialism started by a certain leader back in the 1920s). And Tatchell? Well, he wanted to point out that if there wasn't an Iraq war going on and tuition fees, we wouldn't be in this mess.

How, I hear you ask?

Tatchell: Er...um...oh yes. I'm a parliamentary candidate! Like a talking Barbie doll, if you press my stomach I will mouth the platitudes I think YOU want to hear! Vote for me! Yeah!