How the meedja works
A quick one comrades, for I need to repair to the bank to attempt to rectify my recent financial embarrassment.

As far as I can work out, the way in which the fourth estate adds their special kicking to the public understanding of political discourse goes something like this:

The issue: cauliflower farming in Scarborough. A blight in Transylvanian cauliflowers is threatening to extinguish the Scarborough crop unless action is taken.

Choose your interviewer: Someone prepared to be ANGRY on behalf of men, women and cauliflower everywhere....Humpers!

Select your suitably outraged cauliflower farmer: If he has suffered a recent bereavement that can be tenuously linked to cauliflower blight, so much the better: crowbarring in the phrase "blood on the Government's hands" is where it's at these days.

THE ACTION:

Humpers: Welcome to Today on Radion 4, I'm John Humphrys. The Government has been accused of doing nothing to prevent a blight in the Scarborough cauliflower crop that is threatening to cost the industry billions of pounds and perhaps wipe it out altogether. With us in the studio is Mr Jones, who owns a cauliflower farm within the affected area. Mr Jones, do you think the Government has done enough to protect cauliflower farmers like yourself?

Mr Jones: [obediently giving the "correct" answer] No I don't John. We've got no help from the Government at all and the worry recently sent my wife to her grave.

Humpers: I'm sorry to hear that. Was she perfectly healthy before this betrayal - as you see it - by DEFRA happened?

Mr Jones: Oh yes, she was the life and soul even though she was ninety-seven when she finally passed on. Smoked eighty a day, and was always ready for a kebab or two on the way home from the pub.

Humpers: Thank you. Joining us now is the Minister responsible for cauliflower farming. Minister, what do you have to say about Mr Jones' accusation that your lack of clarity on this issue is forcing cauliflower farmers in Scarborough into bankruptcy and, in the case of Mrs Jones, an early grave?

Minister: John, can I correct you on one point? We haven't been ignoring the problem. As soon as we became aware of it in 2004, we instigated measures - notably the Cauliflower Famers (Protection from Blight) Order 2005 which limited the import of Transylvanian cauliflowers. This legislation has made a real impact on the transportation of infected goods and the domestic industry has begun to recover. On top of that we've been working with the community in Scarborough to -

Humpers: [metaphorically waving the corpse of Mrs Jones around] You haven't been trying that hard though, have you? You were too late to save Mrs Jones.

[Minister is now in a quandry. To claim that the Mrs Jones' situation was nothing to do with the price of fish (or, in this case, cauliflowers) will lead to outrage on the part of Mr Jones and Humpers alike. To give condolence is to tacitly give in. To ignore is to be seen as heartless. Better heartless than mindless; Minister plumps for option three.]

Minister: In addition we have paid out many thousands of pounds in compensation that -

Humpers: But the industry is worth billions! They're never going to recover all of their money and if you'd acted sooner, then they wouldn't be in this predicament and maybe [starts swinging the corpse again] Mrs Jones would still be alive. The Government's failed, hasn't it?

Minister: If you would let me finish John -

Humpers: No, I'm sorry, that's all we've got time for. Next up is Chris Atkins, director of "Taking Liberties" who is arguing that we should, in the words of his film "ban crap laws".

Atkins: Yes John. Let me give you an example of one of the many laws that are totally useless and should be abolished: the Polish Potato Order 2004 which is something about preventing blight in the British crop. Why is the Government bothering with this minutae unless it wants to control our lives in an evil and Machievellian fashion?

Humpers: Minister, whilst you're here wouldn't you agree that Mr Atkins has a point - that there are too many unneccessary laws and the Government is involving itself in the detail more than it should? I mean: a law about potato blight? Come on! Isn't the truth that you are a bunch of control freaks that we, the brave and always just media are correct to expose, whilst simultaneously holding you responsible for a perceived "hands off" approach when things go tits up?

Minister: [begins to weep]

Humpers: And that's all we have time for...et cetera, et cetera

Keep this one in mind, comrades, for the "prison crisis" this summer. I can hear the sound of lobby hacks salivating even from where I'm sitting.