The Palace: it's bad and YOU know you love it!

Apologies for delay - I was overtaken by events yesterday.

Oh man, was ITV's The Palace a roaring watch the other night; it may as well have had the tagline "from the team who brought you Party Animals" and even has a cast member of that fantabulosa series playing the same role in this Royal romp (as the Sun would doubtless have it) as she did in Hot Tory Babes Shagging. Cast below for information, full update later.

Note: the cast list on the official site is somewhat limited so I would appreciate it if people could email me or post in the comments the real names of some of the characters. In addition, some are too boring for nicknames but I'm open to suggestions.


The Incredible Hulk (King Richard IV)
Rupert Evans

After his father croaks it at the opera (an understandable, if novel, reaction to being told you're in for four hours of Wagner) the Hulkman becomes King. He spends the first episode being all agonised about being young and partay-happy and suddenly being required to shoulder the responsibilities of being King...yadda yadda yadda. Goes "grrrrr! Smash!" a lot when reminded of said responsibilities but assuages the pain by allowing himself to be dry-humped by the PM's press secretary (Posh Spice) on the throne. Saucy.



Queen Georgina Best (the Queen Mum - gawd bless yer, Ma'am!)
Jane Asher

Deals with the death of her husband in the first thirty seconds of the programme by hitching herself up to an intravenous drip containing a cocktail of special brew, gin, and horse tranquilisers. Thereafter staggers around Buck House shouting "what the f*ck do you think you're looking at?", weeping irrationally, and demanding kebabs. I think (and it's only a hunch, mind) that they are going to give us a media-get-hold-of-pictures-of-pished-Queen-Mum storyline later in the series.



Lady Macbeth (Princess Eleanor)
Sophie Winkleman

I think she's the eldest child but gets passed over after daddy dies because she has one of those pesky vagina things. She's determined to be top dog somehow, and eventually realises that singing "when will I, will I be famous?" in the mirror with a hairbrush ain't gonna get her nowhere, sister. Enlists the help of sidekick Mr Smithers to diss her brother in order that she can ascend the throne and enjoy all its benefits (possibly including the dry humping).



Pete Doherty (Prince George)
Sebastian Armesto

For the benefit of ITV's lawyers, we'd just like to make it clear that Pete is in NO WAY based on Prince Harry. No sir. This youngster spends his time larging it up old skool, taking lots of drugs, and shagging an inexhaustable supply of willing birds, who ALL like him for his charm, good looks, intelligence and ready wit.




Princess Bratz (Princess Isabelle)
Nathalie Lunghi

Youngest daughter of the old king who had her dialogue written for her by some bloke in his late nineties who got his inspiration by listening to old episodes of Go For It! Wicked! Yeah!






Mr Smithers (Major Simon Brooks)
David Harewood

Thinks that Lady Macbeth should be King of the Castle instead of the Hulk and vows to assist her in this regard.



Poison Ivy (Abigail Thomas)
Zoe Telford

The personal assistant to the Incredible Hulk, whose major tasks are keeping him and Pete in birds, booze, and narcotics. What a lass, eh? Apparently not: she's actually writing an expose of life in the Palace. The fact that she would have signed the Official Secrets Act and, should she publish, she would swiftly discover a whole new meaning to the words "at His Majesty's Pleasure" is something that doesn't seem to have occured to her.


Generic Prime Minister (The Prime Minister)
That bloke who was in Midsomer Murders

Appalled and outraged at the new Kings press plan which will involve telling the Truth to ordinary people about the Royal Family instead of spinning and lying which is of course what politicians like to do all the time, just to upset Quentin Letts. He doesn't get an avatar because he's too nonedescript.


Posh Spice (Generic Prime Minister's bag-carrier)
Shelley Conn

In spite of being promoted from bag-carrier to Fat Tony in Party Animals to bag-carrier to the PM in The Palace, poor old Posh seems to serve the same function in both: the Shag of Shame to the most important male in the series.

The Return of the Shawcross One
Partial resumation of the BBF for the duration of "The Palace"

It is a truth universally acknowledged that nothing can distract Hamer Shawcross successfully from his busy workload, an impossible financial situation, and nagging bosses like the prospect of some SERIOUSLY crap TV.

The Palace (tonight, ITV) promises to scratch my itch admirably. Apparently it's centred around a fictional Royal Family (how DO they think of them, eh?) and the arguing over who gets to wear the nice hat with all the twinkly bits after the old king shuffles off this mortal coil. And judging from the adverts and the website, there's going to be plenty more besides for those of us who can't afford to subscribe to those "special" channels on our Sky menu. God bless ITV!

SEE! Lots of posh fruity bits shagging each other!
MARVEL! At the evilness and general skulduggery. For is it not written in the Writing Contemporary Drama By Numbers Handbook that there will be much sexing between members of the Royal Family and the political classes? (All: yea!)
GASP! At the edginess of the series. A drama? About the Royal Family? Whatever next? A satirical song by a bunch of punk rockers entitled "God Save The Queen"? Sacrilege! Nothing like this for "oh my god!" factor has been attempted since Sergeant Troy was replaced after he left Midsomer Murders to "pursue other projects"

Anyway, this is the closest we've got to a political drama since the superb Party Animals and wonderful Amazing Mrs Pritchard ended and I for one will be watching with baited breath.